Posted By: Doc Holliday at 1:34 pm
“…your shirt’s got a gay dude on it.”
If I hadn’t been busier than Mel Gibson’s legal team last week, I would’ve rolled out a lengthy column chronicling the recent exploits of Tiger Woods, Chris Brown, and Jason Bateman. It’s all somewhat old news now, but I’ll give you a quick rundown on these three chuckleheads in case you were face-down drunk in the sand somewhere to start your 2k10 summer.
Tiger Woods blamed his caddy for his “disappointing” finish at this year’s U.S. Open, claiming he made poor club suggestions on several holes. Nevermind the fact that Tiger Woods is supposed to be the best golfer in the world and should be able to figure out his distance and club selection while blindfolded at this point. This is a question of class. As a pro athlete, acting with class means that when you’re on top after a strong performance, you graciously thank everyone who got you there. Heaping praise upon your caddy, coach, or teammates should be a top priority. And when you lose, you place the blame entirely upon yourself, deflecting any inquiries from the media that may present you with an opportunity to sandbag anyone under you. Acting with class does not mean submarining your long-time caddy, colleague, and friend after a bad day on the course. Nor does it mean throwing little hissy fits after every bad shot, bitching at people snapping photos, or cheating on the mother of your children without remorse for years and years and years…though that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms. Fucking Judas.
Chris Brown is just a joke of a human being at this point. During a Michael Jackson tribute concert, he broke down on stage, crying uncontrollably to the point where the song was pretty much a lost cause. Some people may see this as a touching example of the inspiration Michael Jackson has been for so many rising African-American musicians over the years. I see it as a bullshit attempt to insert the name “Chris Brown” back into the media so reporters paint him in a sympathetic light before the release of his comeback album. We wouldn’t want anyone to conjure up images of Brown repeatedly bashing Rihanna’s face, “the assault causing her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle,” now would we? The best part about this story? According to several witnesses, Brown supposedly put in eyedrops backstage so he could pull off his master plan. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this occurred exactly as described by the witnesses. Such a scumbag it’s ridiculous.
Jason Bateman would have won last week hands down. What he did was so minor in terms of consequence, yet so major in terms of common social decency. so he could get a new iPhone 4 as soon as it was released. This was a line that he had been sitting in for a little while before being brought into the store ahead of every person that had been waiting outside for hours, many overnight. Supposedly, all of the peasants left to suffer in line booed the shit out of King Bateman as he marched to the door, which is totally awesome because I never knew L.A. hipsters had any balls to begin with. He claims that he was willing to sit in line, but Apple employees came to get him so he could get away from the paparazzi crowding the street. That’s bullshit – he knew exactly what would happen when he strolled up to the store a half-hour before the doors opened. He’s a semi-recognizable celebrity who should’ve realized he was going to walk away from this looking like an asshole. Why didn’t he pre-order the phone like a sane, reasonable person? Better yet, why not wait a few days instead of joining a line full of nutbags who can’t handle missing out on the iPhone Remix for more than a few seconds? Humans really are insane. I am astounded by new acts of stupidity each and every day.
And now we get to the man (some of the time) of the hour - Prince. What can you say to deride this guy when he already excels at making an ass out of himself on a regular basis? He earns top honors this week because he has definitively proclaimed that the age of the internet is over. NME reports:
Prince has said he thinks the era of the internet is already over. In an interview with The Daily Mirror, the singer said his stance on technology is the main reason why his new album “20Ten” will not be available for download online. “The internet’s completely over,” he explained. “I don’t see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won’t pay me an advance for it, and then they get angry when they can’t get it.”
Prince is giving 20Ten away with the The Daily Mirror and Daily Record, in a similar move to that of his 2007 album “Planet Earth.” Speaking about why he shuns technology, he added: “The internet’s like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated. Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers, and that can’t be good for you.” [ed. note - your album title is made up of numbers, dipshit.]
Thank you for clearing that up for me, Prince Rogers Nelson. Billions of people worldwide have apparently been wrong to use the internet as the #1 source for news, electronic communication, reference, music, and humor [see boozeworthy.com]. We should go back to land lines, stationary, and Macintoshes. That would be prudent. You know what? While we’re throwing progress out the window, we might as well revert to steam engines, lead paint, and those two-piece phones from Lassie where you get connected to an operator named Jenny when you turn a crank. Prince hasn’t been relevant since 1989 so I imagine his album will do gangbusters on the billboard charts without subscribing to the digital music revolution. He’s smart like that.
Prince’s wikipedia page was one of the most entertaining reads I’ve had in a long time. The opening paragraph reads: ”Prince (born Prince Rogers Nelson, June 7, 1958) is a singer, songwriter, musician, and actor. He has been known under the unpronounceable symbol , which he used between 1993 and 2000. This name change invoked controversy and many referred to him as ‘The Artist Formerly Known as Prince,’ often abbreviated to ‘TAFKAP,’ or simply ‘The Artist’ during that period.”
Ol’ Tafkap’s other nicknames are classic as well – Symbol, Camille, Jamie Starr, His Royal Badness, The Purple One, and Christopher Tracy. He should have a nickname battle versus Shaq. Better yet, they should play some one-on-one. Rumor has it basketball’s one game you don’t want to play against …
The Chief of the Week.
Editor in Chief - The Booze
Editor - Alfred Kehollick
Editor - Doc Holliday
Editor - Vodka Tonic
Editor - Thurgood Jenkins
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