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Chief of the Week: Pete Wentz

In: Chief of the week

Posted By: Doc Holliday at 4:10 pm

8 Feb 2010

Killer boots, man.

Let’s breeze through the nominees that have stepped up since the Leno/Conan shitstorm dissipated.  Simon Monjack announced he would be filing a wrongful death lawsuit against Warner Brothers, claiming they killed his wife Brittany Murphy by firing her from Happy Feet 2.  He went on to state:

“She has never, and I repeat NEVER, done drugs.  Not a line of cocaine, not a hit from a joint, nothing.  She was anti-drugs.  There are no drugs involved.”

Really, Simon?  Must I point out the fact that there was a drug store’s worth of pills on her bedside table?  Christ, you’d think she had a controlling interest in Pfizer corp.  Another Chad worth mentioning would be Wyclef Jean and his charity for Haiti.  Go here to read all the legalese crap that people are currently sifting through.  What it boils down to is that the charity did not pay taxes for the first 12 years of its existence, large sums of money haven’t been diverted to Haiti’s relief efforts but possibly to Wyclef himself, and concerts held by Wyclef to raise money for Haiti over the years were apparently not benefit concerts in the traditional sense.  As in money to the tune of $400k+ wound up in Wyclef’s and his business partner’s bank account for “rent, production services, and Jean’s appearance at the show.”  I thought the whole point of charity concerts was to donate all the time, money, and effort accumulated through the show to the people who need it most, aka Haitians.  I must have been mistaken.

Lastly, continuing with the Haiti theme, we have Paul Shirley, a shitty basketball from the earlier this decade who played a total of 18 games in the NBA.  Now, he apparently writes for ESPN.  Well, he did write for ESPN, before he decided to write the following:

Dear Haitians — First of all, kudos on developing the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Your commitment to human rights, infrastructure, and birth control should be applauded. As we prepare to assist you in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not re-build your island home in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation of flimsy shanty- and shack-towns? And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?  Sincerely, The Rest of the World.

I don’t have much to say on the matter, other than “Paul Shirley, you sir, are a douchebag.  Sincerely, The Rest of the World.”

I have to admit, this week’s winner flew under the radar on me for a long time.  I knew who he was, but I really didn’t give a shit about the fucking bass player from Fall Out Boy.  In fact, I’d say about 1/2 of his victory this week comes from his recent comments, and the other 1/2 comes from his lengthy history of generally being a complete idiot.  We tossed up an article on the guy last week, prompting me to do a bit more digging.  Relevant portion:

On November 20, 2009, the four band members announced they will be taking a break, an indefinite hiatus for the time being. “We don’t know the future of Fall Out Boy!” said the four band members in a statement. Wentz has also said that his personal reason for taking a break is that he feels that his name and marriage to pop singer Ashlee Simpson had become a hindrance for the band. He added: “I think the world needs a little less Pete Wentz.”

Ya ok, guy.  Like your marriage to the lesser Simpson is that big of a fucking deal that it causes all kinds of drama within the band.  Gimme a fucking break.  If John and Yoko were the Cadillac of high profile band killers, then you and Ashlee are the Geo Prism.  Anyway, just by searching for the perfect picture of Wentz to put up as the main photo, I was flooded with all kinds of ridiculousness not seen around these parts since Spencer Pratt was last in the news.  Take a look at a few selections from Pete’s wardrobe.  How I had not seen these absurd get-ups until now is beyond me.

I’ve never understood the whole emo movement.  First of all, so you’re all emotional, sensitive, shy, introverted, and angst-ridden, do me a favor and shut the fuck up about it.  No one cares.  Second of all, how have we evolved as a species where it’s become socially acceptable for guys (straight guys, mind you) to walk around in make-up, nail polish, fur boots, and the Immortals mask from 300?  Like grow up – we stopped dressing up for Halloween on November 1st, fuckhead.  I like to think that when Wentz walks upstairs in those boots, he takes quick steps like Lloyd Christmas walking up the lodge stairs in his ski costume.

I discovered that a lot of people out there despise Pete Wentz, and I’m only just new to the party.  Somewhere between Wentz’s smug smile, his suicide attempt, his song “7 Minutes in Heaven” written about his suicide attempt, his bipolar disorder, his tattoo of a boy falling out of a tree (get it?), his naming of his child Bronx Mowgli Wentz, and the posting online of naked pictures of him holding his dick…rational human beings everywhere just started hating his guts.  One comment I ran into was an instant classic.  I searched for “What do people hate the most about Pete Wentz” on google, and I found this message on a last.fm forum:

“That’s kind of like asking “What’s your favorite color?” The answer is forced to be at least somewhat arbitrary, as colors are all just slight variations of wavelength/frequency (it’s been a while since physics). So, to ask what one hates most about Pete Wentz would be to ask which section of the rainbow makes it beautiful; it’s not one particular incident, or character trait (read: flaw) that makes Mr. Wentz the miniscule cock that he is, it’s an amalgamation of all the little things; the grins, the shirtlessness, the tattoos, the bass playing, the inability to write even the most basically adequate basslines or rhythms, and oh so much more.

Thank you for your time.”

Amen, brother.  If it weren’t for the crazy legalities of breaking band contracts and whatnot, I’d recommend Fall Out Boy just boot Pete Wentz out of the band.  It’s bass for Christ’s sake.  You could stick a 12-year old who knows 4 chords on the side of the stage and Fall Out Boy’s songs won’t sound any shittier than they already do.  They didn’t even give Rusty Griswold a name in That Thing You Do, and imdb has the character listed as “T.B. Player.”  Maybe a somewhat talented band like the Red Hot Chili Peppers would have trouble replacing the bass player, but not fucking Fall Out Boy.  Anyway, if this recent controversy results in the undoing of Fall Out Boy then I suppose that would be a good thing?  I don’t give a shit either way because I don’t listen to them regardless.  Maybe it will mean the world will just get a smaller dose of Pete Wentz.

Yeah, I don’t think so either.  Once a T.B. Player, always a…

Chief of the Week.

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