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The Real Touch: Have Sex With Your Computer

In: Technology

Posted By: The Booze at 9:48 am

4 Jan 2010

Casual Encounters – Is it a blowjob? A handjob? No, putting your junk in the RealTouch is like fucking the Matrix, the rabbit hole lined with shockingly personal conveyor belts and the moneymakers of various Jennas, Toris, and Brees at the other end.

Consider the best porn movies which are, let’s say, a concerted effort between performers, videographers, and directors to get you off. The RealTouch adds yet another participant to your masturbation’s open marriage: a hard-working haptic encoder.

The RealTouch device is slightly bigger than that squash you devoured yesterday, and far more interesting to put your penis in. Opposite your penis, a USB cable connects the RealTouch hardware to your computer where, logged in to your account at, you can access hundreds of scenes specially coded for use with your new conversation starter.

Starting with an ever-increasing library of straight, gay, and even anime P.O.V. videos, RealTouch’s North Carolina-based programmers then assiduously mark, frame by frame, each movement of (for example) Tori Black’s mouth, adjusting for heat, wetness, friction, and ferocity, sending these routines to two opposing conveyor belts within the machine. Ditto Tori’s hands, ass, and vagina.

Unlike other marital aids in which the user actually has to do more work to operate them, the RealTouch is particularly eager to please. You select a video and put your dick in a machine. Science and your own self-control do the rest.

It was only a matter of time before people could have sex with their computer. World of Warcraft and Second Life players around the world are rejoicing. Personally, I’d never want to stick my dick in this machine. Any sort of malfunction could end up doing serious damage. I foresee some assholes creating fake Real Touch videos out there programmed to make the machine chomp down on your junk. That’d be the worst virus ever.

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  • Gram Ponante

    By all means, please let people know that this piece originated on on November 25, 2009 and was written by me, Gram Ponante.

    I like your website, but you have to give credit when you are not the author of posts that appear here.

  • thebooze

    Don't blame me because the site I linked to didn't give you credit. I don't make it a habit of checking out, so I had no way of knowing you wrote it. Go ride your high horse over to and complain.

  • Gram Ponante

    Yes, but as a bottom feeder, you linked to a site that also didn't provide attribution. Don't worry, though, I did ride my high horse over there and complained. Keep up the good work.

  • thebooze

    Short tempered as I am, I will ignore being called a bottom feeder since you continue to compliment my website. Normally, I'd be inclined to tell you to bottom feed on my cock. But assuming your sincerity, I will keep this civil.

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