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Chief of the Week: Fox Studios

In: Chief of the week

Posted By: Doc Holliday at 10:15 am

29 Dec 2009

It’s been awhile since I’ve named a new chief around here. Unfortunately, I never had time for a proper write-up during law exams.  As a result, we’ve amassed a huge number of contenders in the interim.  Bear with me as I try to address all of the nominees.

First of all, I know I missed out on the whole Tiger Woods deal, but I wouldn’t have given him the title anyway just for cheating on his wife.  I only gave Letterman a quick mention back when he was banging his intern, so that’s all Tiger’s going to get as well.  Trust me, the last thing he’s seeking out is fame, glory, and recognition.  He’d probably give up his left nut right now if it meant all of this media coverage would disappear. Jesper Parnevik would’ve probably won the title a couple weeks ago for commenting on the scandal like some high and mighty judge on a throne of gold.  He felt like he had some stake in the whole affair because his wife introduced Elin to Tiger years ago. Jesper surmised that he owed Elin an apology and recommended she “use a driver next time instead of a 3-iron.”  Ok Jesper, and I recommend you win a tournament once in awhile and stop dressing like the Mad Hatter.

He should just go spoon with Ian Poulter already and save us the suspense.  Charlie Sheen gets a nod for another domestic violence incident.  Now his chick is saying Charlie held a steak knife to her throat.  The guy fights women like he fights his coke addiction – repeatedly and publicly.  Ivana Trump also gets a nod for getting belligerent after young kids started running through the aisles on her airplane.  Apparently she freaked out and had to be escorted off the flight.  All bitches are crazy, especially the rich ones.

3rd Place goes to the Northwest Airline “terrorist” would failed to blow up the plane as it descended toward Detroit Metropolitan Airport.  Umar Farouk Abdulmutallah, upon detention, immediately claimed he was working for al-Qaeda.  But I get the feeling that al-Qaeda wants nothing to do with this idiot.  They’re probably doing the “hand blocking the side of their face” gesture, muttering “Allah, this retard is making us look so busch league…”  Thanks to him, law-abiding passengers like us can no longer get up from our seats or operate electronic devices on our laps during the final hour of flight-time.  It only takes one asshole to reduce our in-flight entertainment to the shitty AIR magazine and safety pamphlet.  My one consolation is that Umar went with the same PETN explosive material that the shoe-bomber tried to use back in 2001.  The stuff obviously failed to explode, and he burned the shit out of his legs and was taken off the plane pantsless.  Where’s TMZ with a picture of that when you need ‘em?

2nd Place Urban Meyer almost pulled this one out by “retiring” from coaching the Gators and then quickly changing his status to a “leave of absence.”  How about we hold off on the post-season leveraging until we actually get to the post-season, idiot.  God forbid Florida isn’t playing for the national title and disappears from the limelight for a few months.  That’s apparently too long a stretch of obscurity for Waffle House Meyer.  On a side note, his relationship with Tim Tebow annoys the shit out of me.  It’s like the two of them are already laying the groundwork for a Disney movie to be released in 2030.  It’ll be called The Promise and it’ll be riddled with more horrible movie cliches than Remember the Titans, which is no easy task.

Finally, we get to Fox Studios, the company that released James Cameron’s Avatar a couple of weeks ago.  As if pop culture wasn’t inundated enough with Avatar-related clips, pictures, featurettes, commercials, previews, and interviews, Fox thought it would go the extra mile and commandeer one of their weekly TV shows for an entire episode.  The TV show in question is Bones, and Fox forced the writers to incorporate Avatar into the main plot for the whole 60 minutes.  I imagine the production meeting resembled one of those classic war movie scenes where one character boldly refuses to do a dastardly deed demanded by an evil superior, so the superior shoots him and moves on to the next terrified underling to carry out the task.  Like Gary Oldman shooting the pilots in Air Force One, I bet Fox execs fired a couple writers before they landed on a suck-up subservient enough to write this bullshit episode.  The clip below is one small example of what I’m talking about, and it’s completely ridiculous:

Several more examples from the same episode can be found here, but I think you get the picture.  And yes, I realize the “Please drink from my man faucet” guy from Grandma’s Boy is in both Bones and Avatar, but that’s still no excuse.  He’ll forever crack me up in his Happy Madison role, but those at Fox Studios, you bottom-dollar bastards, you’ll forever be considered…

Chiefs of the Week.

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