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Chief of the Week: Stephanie Meyer

In: Chief of the week

Posted By: Doc Holliday at 5:44 pm

1 Dec 2009

StephenieMeyer_Frog

Not much going on last week, although Sports Illustrated gets an honorable mention for giving Derek Jeter the Sportsman of the Year award.  Give me a fucking break.  I still can’t believe people were actually thinking of giving the AL MVP to a sub-par shortstop before Mauer came along and destroyed the rest of the field Teddy Ballgame style.  The whole situation reminds me of this incredible Halloween costume:

tebow-costume-760064

Didn’t hear much else in the news, unfortunately.  Maybe we can look to Hollywood for an idea.  Hmmm, now only if there was a really big movie out right now that deserves to get shit on….bingo.

Twilight : Stephanie Meyer
AIDS : from a blowjob

Now I’ve been known to indulge in a little Twilight-bashing in my day, but a blog I read last week put this whole Stephanie-Meyer-is-insane thing into perspective for me.  Here’s an excerpt from what I read:

Chud – Even though New Moon has made a bazillion dollars and even though the third Twilight book, Eclipse, is already filming, Summit has declined to announce the fourth and final Twilight book as a movie. There’s a good reason for this: Breaking Dawn is completely fucking insane, and it is probably totally unfilmable. But if they do film it… man, we are in for a treat.  Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan, the lacteal heroine of the series, finally getting married to Edward Cullen, the mopey vampire hero. Edward is afraid to fuck his new bride. The reason: he’s super strong and she’s just a human. But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her – and knocks her the fuck out, leaving her badly bruised.  Despite being knocked out cold by his sexual style, Bella goes back to Edward for seconds. This time he knocks her up. The baby in Bella’s belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella’s ribs and then severs her spine. Edward is completely freaked out about the baby, fearing it will kill Bella. He tries to convince her to get an abortion and goes so far as asking Native American wolfboy Jacob to impregnate his wife so that she can have the baby she desperately wants. I’m dizzy with how ridiculous this is, and we’re just getting started.

Feel free to get up and use the restroom – it gets worse.  INTERMISSION.

blade-twilight11400

Please Retake Your Seats.

Eventually the baby starts to get born and Bella is dying. The baby has telepathy, by the way, so everybody can read its thoughts while it’s in the womb, and it turns out to have an essentially adult mind. In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his fucking teeth. Once the baby is out, Bella gets vamped by Edward, as she’s about to die at any moment. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman’s terms, is that he falls in love with the baby. The book makes no bones about this; while Jacob doesn’t want to fuck the baby right off the bat, he can’t stand to be away from it and visits everyday. His love has been transferred from Bella to the baby (who has the tongue shattering name Renesmee), and because of the science behind imprinting he’ll love her forever. So one day he’s going to stick his wolf dick in this girl that he see as a bloody newborn. Romance is not dead, it’s just being abused by insane Mormon writers.

Is that not the most fucked up story you’ve ever heard?  For little teenagers nonetheless.  The next generation is going to rewrite the fucking book on pedophilia crime in America.  Just too many questionable themes shooting around everywhere.  An OK Corral of Mormon bullshit, if I may.

So congrats on the victory, Stephie.  Gone are the days of cowboys, indians, and Ninja Turtles.  They’ve been replaced by vampires, werewolves, and pedophiles.  And we have one person to thank for it…

The Chief of the Week.

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  • Poor taste

    wow I basically had been ignoring this shit altogether. who knew anything could be so fucked up!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

  • http://boozeworthy.com/2010/02/16/our-worst-fear-is-realized-breaking-dawn-is-happening/ Our worst fear is realized…Breaking Dawn is happening. | BoozeWorthy

    [...] finale to your attention.  If you’re up for an entertaining read, go back and check out this summary of Breaking Dawn.  Not only is the third Twilight sequel happening, it’s happening [...]

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