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Chief of the Week: Larry Johnson

In: Chief of the week

Posted By: Doc Holliday at 1:49 pm

3 Nov 2009

Apparently, a bishop’s hat is the only kind that fits on his big head.

Larry is an under-achieving, self-centered prick, and we’ll be getting to him in a minute.  First, a couple nominations.  MLB keeps taking the Mariano spitball video off of youtube, but I found another version.  Definitely worth a nomination even if we’re a little late.  Anyone saying he was spitting near the ball but not on the ball is a dumbass.  In the video, it looks like he was about to do it, stopped himself, checked to see if anyone was watching, and then hocked one anyway.  Sorry Mariano, turns out 7.3 million people were watching.

Reminds me of that old PS1 baseball game (Triple Play maybe?) where you could hit a button to make the pitcher spit onto the ball.  Sometimes the ump would catch you and eject you, and other times you’d get away with it and throw some filthy junk.  This situation is clearly the latter.  Tom Cable and A-Rod warrant mentioning, but we’ll get to them next time.  We’ll take a closer look at Cable once more of his wife-bashing story comes out.  And we’ll wait for confirmation of the rumor flying around that A-Rod has two paintings of himself as a centaur (1, 2) hanging over his bed.

Moving onto Larry.  Quite the ridiculous wrap sheet for this guy, but the following event last week is what put him on our radar screen:

He apparently started talking trash about his coach on Twitter, and then snapping at other Tweetees who took umbrage with his assessment.  Johnson then responded to a Twitter follower that reminded Johnson of the incident last year in which Johnson allegedly spit a drink into a woman’s face. L.J. used a three-letter homophobic epithet to get his point across in response…Johnson wrote, “think bout a clever diss then that wit ur [expletive] pic. Christopher street boy. Is what us east coast cats call u.”

Johnson ended his evening with a reminder that he makes more money than the people bugging him.   Johnson then took his message to the streets, or more specifically, the Chiefs media room. When reporters entered the locker room on Monday, Johnson said, “I’m not talking [until] Thursday.”  And then Johnson uttered a sentence that surely will catch the interest of the league office.  Per KCSP, Johnson said partially under his breath, “Get your [fruity] asses out of here.”  (withleather)

I love how he criticizes the guy online for not coming up with a clever diss, but then it turns out the only diss Larry knows involves calling someone gay.  I know the grammar is that of a 2nd-grader, so you can read his unedited tweets in context here if you need to.  Turns out he said “fag pic,” and a “Christopher street boy” is a person who would hang out at a popular street within New York City well known for having many gay establishments and being the birthplace of modern day gay liberation.  Ya, Larry, you sure are one hard-nosed, thugged out, New York east coast “cat.”  You’re from fucking Maryland and you went to Penn State, dude – tone it down a couple notches.  Unfortunately, I have no video of the events that took place in the locker room with the reporters, although some audio is supposedly going to reach the press soon.  In the meantime, Brian Regan paints a pretty good picture of what Larry would be like at a dinner party…

The event referred to by the Twitter follower above took place in October of last year.  Already accused of multiple aggravated assaults prior to October 2008, Larry thought it would be socially acceptable to do this:

Kansas City police are looking into a report of non-aggravated assault against Johnson for telling a woman that he was going to kill her boyfriend then spitting in her face at Club Blonde on Oct. 10.  Ashley Stewart, 24, told police she had left the nightclub in Kansas City’s Country Club Plaza district but returned around 1:45 a.m. to find a friend. Johnson, who had tried to buy her a drink at the same club a week earlier, got close to Stewart while swinging his arms, then said, “All I wanted to tell you is I’m going to kill your boyfriend,” the police report said.  Johnson spit the drink in her face after she backed away.  (

Unbelievable, right?  And what does the writer mean when he says Johnson was swinging his arms when he walked up to the girl?  Like Britney on the beach?  Like the Bluth family?  Like Koko the Monkey Costanza?  I imagine something similar to that “I gotta take a dump“  walk (2:21) Josh Hartnett did throughout most of 40 Days & 40 Nights.  You know, the one where he squeezes his ass cheeks together but also tries to speedwalk everywhere?  I’m trying to think of a way to put it so that Larry will understand.  Hmmm, maybe…gay?

So, in the end, Larry apologized and got a two-week suspension…and Kansas City will continue to lose anyway.  Mark this day down in history folks, it’s not every day that a real KC Chief turns out to be…

The Chief of the Week.

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  • marcos

    beware the me-monster…

  • Chief of the Week: Spencer Pratt | BoozeWorthy

    [...] douchebag and apologize.  Unfortunately for them, getting an apology out of Spencer is like asking Larry Johnson to respect women…it just ain’t [...]

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