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Chief of the Week: Richard Heene

In: Chief of the week

Posted By: Doc Holliday at 8:56 pm

21 Oct 2009

Get There

Get there.

Stephen Jackson came pretty damn close this week, but little did he realize he’d be up against the juggernaut that is Balloon Boy, Sr. – Richard Heene.  We’ll get to that fame-starved asshole in a little bit.  Jackson was suspended earlier this month for conduct detrimental to the team during an preseason game against the Lakers.  He somehow thought it would be okay to pick up five fouls and a technical in less than ten minutes of action.  He then threw on a Dallas jacket following a media event the next day.  Even if you’re not a basketball fan, you should realize that this guy was being absolutely ridiculous.  Jackson returned from his suspension last week and it’s clear he hasn’t learned much from his time off, or from the $139,000 he lost in total salary.  This excerpt from the Oakland Tribune sums up his glorious return:

He doesn’t want to be a locker room leader. He doesn’t want to be a role model. He doesn’t want to be responsible for grooming and teaching the youngsters.  Warriors swingman Stephen Jackson doesn’t want to be captain. He told coach Don Nelson, and the request was granted.

“Being a captain was overrated to me, anyway,” Jackson said Tuesday. “You didn’t do anything but go at the beginning to talk to the refs, and I didn’t want to do that. Being a captain is overrated.  Any time somebody takes $150,000 (the suspension cost him $139,000 in salary),” Jackson said, “of course (the relationship is) going to change, no matter who it is. If my mom took some money, I’d still love her to death, but I’d still be upset about it. And (Nelson’s) not my mom. So you can imagine how I feel.”

He said he doesn’t want to teach his younger teammates how to prepare for games. He doesn’t want to be responsible for getting their games going, or getting the team going.  He sounded like he wasn’t interested in a relationship with Nelson, whom he once said was like a grandfather.

Absurd.  He perception of the world is so convoluted that he’s somehow convinced himself that the $150k was stolen out of his back pocket instead of it being a justifiable punishment for acting like a douchebag.  It’s like Cartman convincing himself he came up with the Fishsticks joke.  The two-game suspension alone wasn’t going to teach him a damn thing because he didn’t want to play for the Warriors anyway, thus making the monetary punishment even more justifiable.  Grow up, Stephen.  Let’s see if you come around as fast as Brandon Marshall did.

Ah, yes, now come the Heenes.  The American paradigm of clean family living.  I realize by calling Pere Richard out, I’m giving him the media attention he so craves, but it’s worth it to show how much of an idiot this guy actually is.  And fuck Mayumi, too.  Her lawyer described her as being completely “meek and subservient to her husband” and therefore innocent in this whole mess.  Puhleeaase – the only think meek and subservient coming out that house will be Richard when he takes dick up his ass in prison next year.  So, let’s start with Richard untethering his tin foil UFO in his backyard and then acting all horrified and angry.  He hams it up worse than an Italian soccer player.

Here’s where Falcon blows his dad’s cover, clearly stating that he was asked to hide in the attic for a few hours “because it was for a show.”  Nothing like a classic forehead-smack moment unfolding on a national broadcast.  Then Wolf Blitzer fails to barrage them with follow-up questions to force them to give a satisfactory response to Falcon’s comment.  Felt like I was watching a conversation from LOST for Christ’s sake.  The video below splices in footage from the end of the show when Wolf realized he was an idiot for not prompting a response earlier in the interview.

Might as well toss up the third video in this wonderful trifecta, where Falcon pukes all over the place.  Richard probably filled his mouth with Elmer’s glue to keep his goddamn mouth shut this time around.

So, it looks like Rick’s going to face some felony charges for pulling this publicity stunt, including conspiracy, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, making a false report to authorities, and attempting to influence a public servant.  Potentially six years in jail, and for what motivation, you ask?  Apparently, “Heene believes the world is going to end in 2012. Because of that he wanted to make money quickly, become rich enough to build a bunker or something underground, where he can be safe from the sun exploding.”  If he’s dumb enough to live life according to an ancient Mayan prophecy, I can’t even imagine how he prepared for the Y2k scare.  No chance in hell he was serving two years probation for vandalism and disturbing the peace convictions from getting in a fight with a man named Benito Ortiz and smashing the shit out of his Volkswagon causing thousands of dollars worth of damage.  No way, no how.

Well, hopefully this ends the Balloon Boy era for good, at least on this website anyway.  Tag him with a couple felonies, lock him up, and get him out of the news for a few years.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all this, it’s that a 50-mile, 3-county rescue operation could only have been masterminded by a real Dick…

The Chief of the Week.

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