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The Booze’s Bruins Hype Column

In: Sports

Posted By: The Booze at 12:01 pm

1 Oct 2009

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The Bruins 2009-2010 season gets underway tonight. For those of you who don’t give a shit, well go fuck yourselves, because I’m writing a monster article anyway. This is meant for the true Bruins fans that follow Boozeworthy. This, my friends, is what they call a hype column. I will sit here in front of my computer and gush about the Bruins until my fingers bleed or until my huge hockey boner busts through my pants.

Let me begin by sending a big “fuck off” to Boston media, who have been gargling Kessel’s balls ever since the trade. There is not one qualified hockey journalist in this town and it’s a damn shame. The Bruins, less-Kess, will be just fine. Let’s examine some of the ridiculously ignorant arguments you’ll be hearing on The Sports Hub all day long…

1. “Kessel was the team’s leading goal scorer in the 2008-2009 season. We’re screwed without those goals!!”

Do you know who led the team in goals the year before? Take your best guess. Savard? No. Sturm? Guess again. The answer is Chuck Kobasew. You cannot put too much stock in one season. Sure, the kid has a great shot and great upside, but rewarding him with a $5 Mill contract would have crippled us in this salary cap era.

2. “Kessel is going to be a 50 goal scorer in this league.”

Kessel is about as one-dimensional a player as it gets in the NHL. He shies away from contact, he doesn’t play defense, and he doesn’t get the gritty, hard work goals that you need to be a 50-goal scorer in this league. The Ovechkins and Neelys of the sport create opportunities for themselves through physical play. It’s not all about pretty goals. Also, Kessel has yet to play a full NHL season. Cancer and mono are obviously unrelated to the sport, but the Bruins couldn’t justify paying big bucks to someone who is a perennial injury risk.

3. “Trading Kessel within the division was a bad move. He will be there to hurt us every time we play the leafs this year.”

Bullshit. Chara will bury Kessel into the ice every he tries to dangle on him. Kessel has a great shot, but his high school hockey dekes only worked a handful of times on NHL defensemen. NESN played the same Kessel dangle move on the Canadiens over and over in their montages. Just because you have different camera angles doesn’t mean it happened more than once. Screw anyone that calls that a bad trade. Two 1st rounders and a 2nd rounder?? The Leafs knew we were tight on cap space yet still decided to secure our future. We are not only built to win now, but we have cap space to pay Savard  and the draft picks to contend for a while.

4. “The Bruins made no significant additions to the roster this offseason, how do they expect to go deeper in the playoffs?”

Sure, Steve Begin and Derick Morris aren’t making your fantasy team, but they are the solid, gritty players that fit this system so well. How about having Mark Recchi for a full season getting position in front of the net and tipping the unglamorous goals home? How about Marco Sturm chipping in the 25 goals we sorely missed a year ago? How about having a healthy Patrice Bergeron (who loves playing with Sturmy) who was just returning to form during last years playoffs? And let’s not forget about a certain Blake Wheeler who lit the lamp often in the first half of last season. He is now ready to take on a rigourous NHL schedule that tuckered him out last year.

5. “Tim Thomas can’t possibly play as well as he did last season.”

What does this guy have to do to get the doubters off his back? Sure he is unconventional, but time and again he has proven himself capable. In the past he has even played behind some weak defensive play. He has a very strong defensive core in front of him this year. There is a lot of speed in front of him, something very important to Julien’s system. We give up the low-percentage shots from the perimeter and force turnovers along the boards. Guys like Aaron Ward and Shane Hnidy were too slow to fit that system. Thomas also has a great security blanket in Tukka Rask. I actually went out drinking at the Alibi with Rask and Krejci a few weeks back, long story…but an awesome time, they have high expectations for the season and know how to drink.

So go ahead and listen to Felger and Tanguay talk hockey out of their asses…just know that I’m the guy that knows what’s up. Let’s Go B’s!

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