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Craigslist $1 Million Guarantee (9-29-09)

In: Random

Posted By: The Booze at 8:12 am

30 Sep 2009

Craiglist – That’s right, unlike the competition, I have a solid-gold, firmer than firm, $1 million guarantee: You give me $1 million, and we can do it any way you want.

Like the reverse cowgirl? Just call me Trigger.

Traditional missionary? I will spread your gospel.

Want it from behind while I pull your hair and shout “Wasmyname, be-atch?” I’m your own abusive rap star.

Sideways, up the ass, between your boobs, any which way from Sunday – I. Will. Do. It.

You want to fly to Brazil and do it upside down in the airplane bathroom while making chimpanzee noises? I’ll take some of that. I’ll even do you bent over the stewardesses drink cart.

Straddle me while we do 80 m.p.h. down I-10 at three in the morning? All over it.

What I’m all about here, is 100 percent customer satisfaction. I guarantee you that your $1 million will get you exactly what you ask for. Think about that. You think you can get a house built for a mil, and get it done the way you’ve asked? Hell no. Builders fuck you. Think you can buy a small business and have all your employees do everything you tell them to do? You’ve obviously never owned a business.

In a world of declining expectations, I stand, pecker in hand, as a monument to a time when $1 million could get you what you goddamn well asked for. That’s my commitment to quality.

Also willing to fuck for a good pizza.

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