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The Booze’s Diary: The Nintendo Wii Snitch

In: Random

Posted By: The Booze at 7:33 am

17 Sep 2009

February 5, 2009: Dear diary, I tried to sell my Nintendo Wii through my college’s equivalent of Craig’s List last week. I was asking $400 for the package because the system could play burned copies of games and included a bunch of extras. I received several offers in the $300 range that I was considering, but decided to hold out a little longer.

Next thing I know, I received a lowball offer from some bitch. Insulted, I explained to her why I couldn’t go any lower on the price. This is when things got interesting. She had the nerve to reply again and question my intelligence. Normally I can be civil, but I happened to be drunk at the time I received her email. Long story short, the following email correspondence landed me in the Dean’s office…

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As I mentioned before, I was quite drunk when I sent that email. The next day I woke up not knowing I had sent it. About two days later I received an email from the office of the Dean of Student Affairs. The email requested I come in to speak with the Dean about an “incident I was involved in.” I called the office to get more information, but they refused to discuss it over the phone.

“What the hell did I do wrong?” I thought to myself.  I hadn’t pissed in the elevator, passed out in the bathroom, or paintballed the ultimate frisbee team in months. I knew it wasn’t rape cuz I hadn’t gotten laid in a while. I didn’t know what to expect.

When I walked into the Dean’s office the next day, I already knew I’d be dealing with a bitch. I had met her before when I tried to post fliers for my club hockey team’s tryouts in the fall (she denied that request). After waiting 35 minutes or so, she finally called me into her office. She told me to sit down and the following conversation ensued…

Dean: “So do you know why you’re here?”
Me: “No.”
Dean: “You really don’t know why you’re here?”
Me: “No, I don’t, your secretary wouldn’t tell me.”
Dean: “Well, I received an email the other day from a very upset student…(At this moment the wheels started turning in my head)…who claims you sent her a very offensive email.”
Me: “Ohhhhh”
Dean: “So now do you know why you are here?”
Me: “Yes, yes I do.” (fighting back a smirk)
Dean: “Would you like me to read the email that you wrote to her?” (turns toward her computer screen)
Me: “No, not at all. I know what I wrote.”
Dean: (Completely ignoring me) “She made an offer on your Nintendo Wii, to which you replied…
Me: “Yes, I know what it says…”
Dean: “…Depreciate my cock.” (she then turns from her computer screen and stares at me)
Me: …
Dean: …
Me: …
Dean: “So do you think that was a very nice thing to say?
Me: “No, but I had just gotten back from the bar and wasn’t thinking.”
Dean: “Do you think she deserved that?”
Me: “Probably not, but the free lesson she gave on depreciation really pissed me off.”
Dean: “You should apologize, but realize that what you wrote to her was in writing and you can’t take that back.” (Trying to make me feel guilty)
Me: (Nodding) …
Dean: …
Me: “So can I go now?”
Dean: “Yes, you can go.”

And so ends my story…Looking back, I learned a valuable lesson here. Typing “depreciate my cock” in an email evidently is not considered sexual harassment. I also learned that no matter what stage of life you are in, there will always be tattle tales. Will I have my revenge on Kelly Kapowski? We’ll save that for another day…

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  • doc

    I didn't realize you went to Bayside High School.

  • Tommy Callahan

    You might want to go apologize….Kelly kapowski is pretty hot. Although she'll gain some weight over the next few years and become a big ho in a different zip code.

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