Chief of the Week: Heidi and Spencer Pratt

Ask and you shall receive. It’s uncanny. Either God reads this column religiously and tosses me a bone a couple times a week, or Speidi read this installment and decided that some extra attention from Boozeworthy would be kinda nice. Hey, any publicity is good publicity, right? Even if I decide to smear your face in your own shit for ten minutes and then kick you in the teeth when you come up for air, at least your name’s being mentioned. I tend to think the Man upstairs appreciates the solid chief police work we do here – knocking arrogant assholes off their high horses one ridiculous celebrity at a time. And shepherds we shall be, for thee, my Lord, for thee…

I covered one nominee last Wednesday – the Massachusetts representative who pushed for the alcohol tax hike and then took off to NH to fill his car with tax-free booze. By now, he’s either been beaten to death by a mob of furious Massholes or he’s pulling a Saddam and hiding in a ditch in central Iraq. Either way, I hope to never hear from him again. We had a late entry in Shawn Merriman over the weekend when he choked out Tila Tequila. Upon official review, however, that incident occurred at the very beginning of this week (3:30 am Sunday), so he may get the full treatment next Monday, pending any further developments. My fingers are crossed. Now, let’s focus our full attention on our first husband and wife tandem of Chief of the Week. It’s a prestigous accomplishment indeed (*single tear*). I’m like a proud parent…who would like to take a monkey wrench to Spencer’s jaw. Why the wrench? Because fuck him that’s why.

Since the last time I mentioned Heidi, her Playboy photos have been released. And for those of you looking to ogle her tits, you’re fresh out of luck. That’s right, she posed for a nude magazine and never got nude, ala Hillary Banks and Jenny Gump. That pairs her up with Olivia Munn as two of the bigger cock-tease cop-outs to pose for the magazine in recent memory. I forgive Olivia Munn because she’s hot, plays video games, and has fulfilled almost every costume fantasy I’ve ever had (here, here). But I have no idea where Heidi comes off covering up as if she’s some sexual mystery we’d all be so privileged to get a full glimpse of. Fake tits, fake nose, and a face full of colligin and botox – I get it. If you’re not getting naked, then go pose for Maxim and stop wasting our time. You can find the photos here if you’re really that intrigued. Keep in mind, the question is not whether every photo is airbrushed, but rather how many cans of airbrush paint they actually used. I’m putting the over/under at 5. Be sure to read the Playboy interview for a fascinating journey through the world as Speidi sees it. My favorite lines:

Spencer: “Heidi, look at you. You’re in Playboy. Let’s make this the most famous interview ever.”
Heidi: You know it, baby.” [multiple fist bumps]

Spencer: “Don’t do it for me, Heidi. I think you have the best custom-made breasts in the world right now. I don’t need you to make any changes. I’m already driving a Bugatti every day.”

It amazes me how consistently these two automatically equate fame with being liked. Newsflash kids, O.J. Simpson is famous, too. If you have an extra second, it’s worth listening to this podcast. Heidi phoned in to the radio show I listen to every morning (The Sandbox, WFNX 101.7) last week to talk about her new song set blond stereotypes back 100 years. My favorite part, besides the DJs openly shitting on her, was when they asked her if she knew what radio station she was talking to…she said, “Boston?”

Moving onto Spencer. Obviously, if I included every single thing this kid has done over the past two years inside this one blog post, I’d break the WordPress server. Don’t worry, we’ll make do. He hit the chief radar last week when he somehow thought it would be a good idea to do this:

The fame-loving loudmouth of The Hills is in the process of legally changing his name to “King Spencer Pratt,” Usmagazine.com reports. “I’ve decided since there is a Queen of England and a Prince William that there should be a king of America,” the 25-year-old said. “I nominate myself for that role.” Despite Pratt’s recent claim that wife Heidi Montag is “the new, modern-day, 2010 Michael Jackson,” she has another idea about her new moniker. The buxom blonde told Starmagazine.com, “If I am married to the king, doesn’t that automatically make me a queen?” According to Spencer’s rep, the reality show villain plans to make the name change “as soon as possible — probably this week.”

And moving right along into one of my favorite youtube videos ever:

Heidi cried after that interview. I’d like to believe the two of them are constantly exhibiting such ridiculous behavior just so they stay somewhat publicly relevant, but another part of me thinks they’re so incredibly cut off from normal, decent behavior that they really can’t see that all of America hates them. It’s the whole Gayfish syndrome at it again. I think Dave captures the collective American attitude toward these douchebags pretty well:

100 g’s!!! What bar could possibly afford forking over 100k to D-list celebrity like Spencer Pratt and still stay in business?! Furthermore, who the hell shows up to a club just to meet one of the biggest cancers on “reality” television? There’s only two things that could be going on here – he’s either a.) lying through his fucking teeth or b.) I’m dead and my personal hell involves Spencer making 100k/night while I pour over law school textbooks every night. It’s a scary world we live in, folks, scary indeed. Finally, no self-respecting blogger could pass up an opportunity to post this:

Jesus, he blends in like a midget in a cornfield, doesn’t he?. Well, King Spenny and Wench Heidi, from all of us at Boozeworthy, we wish you the worst. I hope to never write about you two on this site again, but that’s clearly unrealistic. I’d play it safe for awhile and avoid high precipices, fast cars, and dive bar sushi – you can never be too careful, Karma can be a fickle bitch for former…

Chiefs of the Week.