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Chief of the Week: Brandon Marshall

In: Chief of the week

Posted By: Doc Holliday at 12:59 pm

1 Sep 2009

No surprise about our clear-cut winner this week in Bronco’s wide receiver Brandon Marshall.  But, I was actually considering going after the entire cast of the Twilight movies after finding the below video of Alex Meraz.  It was filmed by the same guy that gave us Quinto covered in dairy product.  Pretty sure I could take Meraz and the rest of the wolf pack any day of the week and still have the energy to go home and bang Kristen Stewart before dinner.  That girl needs to get over herself and wear some color once in awhile.  I don’t care whether you’re goth, vamp, or satanic, Kristen.  Just lighten up.

By the way, what’s the deal with vampires these days?  There are like 20 vampire-related projects coming out Hollywood as we speak, and not a single one of them is remotely frightening anymore.  I mean, at what point did it become every teenage girl’s dream to grow up and get fucked by pasty vampires and Native American werewolves by the time they graduate high school?  It’s like, congratulations, Cindy, you had sex with a wolf, now you’re probably going to give birth to a brood of man-puppies.  Oh, what’s that?  You’ll love them and raise them as your own?  Really?  Well, I’d go check behind the house cuz I’m pretty sure your Dad’s Old Yellering the shit out of them right now.  You’re damn right he bought silver bullets…  Where was I?  Oh ya, Brandon Marshall’s a douche.  Let’s go.

Brandon is a non sequitur to me.  All summer we hear him bitching about wanting to be traded out of Denver.  It doesn’t happen.  So, what does he do?  He starts acting like a 2-year-old during practices.  If I’m a coach of another franchise watching Brandon’s antics, I wouldn’t want a damn thing to do with the guy.  Belichick is the only coach I could ever see successfully controlling Brandon, but even that would be 10x harder than the Randy Moss experiment ever was.  God bless the idiot that picks up his contract in the event of a surprise trade.  I hear San Fran is looking, which would be great for Brandon’s lifestyle choice.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

I agree with McDaniels 100%.  Then of course, any avid football fan will remember this stunt from last season where he attempted to pull a black glove out of his pants after scoring a touchdown.

I think Stokley had enough time to run over and prevent a penalty because the glove got stuck somewhere up inside Marshall’s vagina.  A black panther symbol from the 60′s modified to represent American solidarity?  Really?  Great way to make a profound statement to a national audience, Brandon.  Pulling an object from your crotch whose meaning no one picks up on because a glove is already a piece of football equipment.  That’s like Magic Johnson pulling a yellow headband out of his ass after sinking a skyhook and saying it symbolizes the fight against AIDS in Africa.

Grow up.  Receiving the nickname “Little TO” immediately out of college is not a badge of honor.  Stop punting footballs and swatting passes in practice, help out your new head coach and quarterback, and set an example for all the young talent on your team.  Most importantly, get back into the lineup, stay there, and produce.  I made the immediately regrettable fantasy football decision last week of drafting the…

Chief of the Week.

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  • Because you can never shit on Twilight too much… | BoozeWorthy

    [...] screenshots are too awesome to ignore, especially since I just posted that ridiculous video of Alex Meraz.  They’re bouncing around the internet pretty quickly anyway.  This, my friends, is how [...]

  • Chief of the Week: Richard Heene | BoozeWorthy

    [...] even more justifiable.  Grow up, Stephen.  Let’s see if you come around as fast as Brandon Marshall [...]

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