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Chief of the Week: Ryan Jenkins

In: Chief of the week

Posted By: Doc Holliday at 8:50 am

26 Aug 2009

large_jenkinsfiore(Pictured with his wife…who’s now dead…because he killed her…actually he’s dead now, too…because he killed himself…pretty much anyone pictured above this sentence is dead as shit.)

I’ve been a bit busy the last couple weeks, so I apologize for not putting together a write-up last Monday.  The good news is, we’ve had a bunch of entertaining nominees in the interim, culminating with our first posthumous Chief of the Week.  The last 24 hours have been really exciting.

Let’s jump right into it with renowned filmmaker douchebag Michael Moore.  He’s notorious for force-feeding moviegoers his liberal extremist points of view, which is ironic because Moore’s been liberally force-feeding himself burgers and chili for the past 30 years.  Anyway, he’s got a new movie that I’ll ignore entirely coming out this fall entitled “Capitalism: A Love Story.”  Via CHUD:

It shows the filmmaker taking aim at the people that made our economy a mess, pulling out big money sacks and trying to get all the cash back to the American people. If he can find it, that is.  But is it simply a documentary? Not according to Moore. “It’s a crime story,” he says. “But it’s also a war story about class warfare. And a vampire movie, with the upper 1 percent feeding off the rest of us. And, of course, it’s also a love story. Only it’s about an abusive relationship. It’s not about an individual, like Roger Smith, or a corporation, or even an issue, like health care. This is the big enchilada. This is about the thing that dominates all our lives — the economy. I made this movie as if it was going to be the last movie I was allowed to make.”  And later…“It’s a comedy.”

I think it goes without saying that if I had a Chief post last week, Mr. Moore would’ve taken the cake, literally and figuratively.  Moving on.  We’ve all seen what Michael Beas-worthy did by now, so I’ll just redirect you here, where he was too proud of his new tattoo (which makes zero sense by the way) to notice he left a bag of weed on the ground in the picture.  First off - buy a desk, dude.  Secondly – get one with drawers.

And yes, of course we had Speidi in the mix.  Heidi Montag ”sang” her heart out at the 2009 Miss Universe Pagent, and by sang I mean moved awkwardly around the stage wearing a fake microphone and Britney Spears’ 2000 VMA outfit.  Suffer here.  As easy as it would be to rip her a new one right now, I’m definitely keeping this chief prospect in my back pocket for another time.  Her nude photo shoot comes out in the next Playboy, and I fully expect shithead Spencer to throw himself all over the place, shamelessly plugging/whoring out his own wife for media attention.  Maybe we’ll get our first double installment on this column.  There’s no way they make it through another month without blowing it…

Gordon 1

Well, if you’re surprised by this week’s pick, then you’ve been camped out under a large boulder for the past week and a half.  Reality television contestant and Ted Bundy superfan Ryan Jenkins was a suspect all last week in the murder of Jasmine Fiore, his wife and former Playboy model.  Jenkins was a finalist on the VH1 show, “Megan Wants a Millionaire,” but the finale never aired.  Apparently, he lost at the end, flew to Vegas, went to a strip club, met Fiore, and then promptly married her within a couple days.  This is where things get a bit fucked up.  Fiore’s body was found last week stuffed in a suitcase and left in a dumpster, with all of her fingers cut off and teeth pulled out.  The cops were able to identify Fiore from the serial number embedded in her implants.  Family man Jenkins took off to Canada.

Turns out Jenkins tried to hide from authorities by going to his parents’ house.  They supposedly took him in briefly, but then Jenkins left for a nearby motel.  Yesterday, they found his body in a British Columbia inn, dead as a doornail, hanging by the neck from the ceiling, with the simple inscription “Jenkins was here” carved in the wood overhead.

Alright, alright, I made that last part up.  Seriously though, this guy’s the most vile person we’ve had on here yet, and whether he’s sane or insane, he deserves no sympathy.  He’s been all over VH1, and while clearly the people on that channel are loud and retarded, I’m confident none of them are sadistically insane to the point of committing murder.  So no excuses.  On a positive note, Fiore leaves us knowing she died for the greater good of mankind – “Megan Wants a Millionaire” and “I Love Money 3″ (also starring Jenkins), were both cancelled today even though both were already filmed.

Well, I hope Ryan has a blast down below hanging with his new freund and fellow butt buddies.  Maybe someone will instruct him on how to properly dispose of a body.  Everyone knows if you’re not going to toss a dead girl into a river with weights around her feet, you must get rid of those boob implants.  Finger chopping and teeth pulling simply doesn’t cut it, Ryan.  I have nothing else to say about this jackass, so I’ll pose an interesting hypothetical.  If you were Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins, tucked away in a quiet corner of Canada, and your fugitive son showed up at the door begging for protection, would you feel naturally obligated to harbor…

The Chief of the Week?

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