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Chief of the Week: Prince Fielder

In: Chief of the week

Posted By: Doc Holliday at 9:26 am

10 Aug 2009

APTOPIX Cubs Brewers Baseball

Well, it was all about America’s favorite pasttime this week, and our winner locked up 1st place right out of the gate.  Thanks for making my job extremely easy, Prince.  That’s not to say, however, that his peers didn’t give him a run for his money.  Settling onto my couch in preparation for a four-game Sox/Yanks series, I was ready for anything to happen.  The game 3 ump gets a nomination for immediately ejecting Ramirez when he plunked A-Rod in the 7th with two outs and a runner on.  We were down 0-2 guy.  Last time I checked, that’s not the most opportune time to be throwing at batters – even if #13′s ugly mug is staring back at you from home plate.  The first runner-up was a mind-numbing tag team composed of C.C. Sabathia, Joe Buck, and Tim McCarver for reintroducing the phrase “The Best is Yet to Come” to a national audience…roughly 100 times in 3 1/2 hours.  I hope someone splices together every instance that phrase was uttered during the game and throws the video on youtube.  It was utterly ridiculous.  If you haven’t caught Artie Lange destroying Joe Buck’s HBO show yet, get after it.  It’s tricky to find because of HBO’s legal team, but you can temporarily watch half of it at the 6th link .

I couldn’t give this trio the W though.  I’ll be the first to admit that C.C. backed up his big talk.  I don’t know where the fuck the Sox bats have disappeared to, but we better locate them fast.  Right now the Sox trying to figure out offensive baseball resembles this poor bastard trying to ride a bike with one wheel:

I love his strategy at 1:40.  Perseverance.  Let’s move onto Prince.

About a month ago, Prince was interviewed following his home run derby victory.  He explained how he strives to be a player known for his class and his talent.  He doesn’t get involved with verbal altercations, shittalking, drugs, steroids, etc. because he knows he’s a role model for his own children and for young people everywhere.  I thought it was a solid, succinct interview where he almost convinced me he was a stand-up ballplayer who just loved to play the game without involving himself in the drama that surrounds it.  And then this happened.  So naturally, Prince took his anger out on the field, expressed his incredulity at getting beaned in a 17-4 game, rubbed his leg, finished the game, and went back to his hotel to rest up for tomorrow.  Just a part of baseball, Prince understands thats, so no harm done.  NOT!

If you’re suddenly going to decide to grow a sack, then do something while you’re still on the field.  If you’re going to be a pussy about it and wait 20 minutes, you might as well run out to the parking lot and let the air out of Mota’s tires.  Then you really would’ve showed him.  That rascal.  Personally, I think your best option would’ve been to charge the mound and pull one of your patented, graceful surprise attacks:

Off the playing field, get your shit together and patch things up with Cecil.  It’s like Family Feud meets the Biggest Loser.  From what I hear, this whole charade started when your Dad hooked you up with a sick signing bonus when every major league scout considered you a fat piece of shit with a stick in your hand.  So he took $200k out of $2.4 million.  Big deal.  Not only is that chump change compared to what you were destined to make in the bigs, it also sounds like Fielder Sr. deserved even more money if he was technically acting as your agent.

In conclusion, if you’re preaching a drama-free career, then don’t charge locker rooms, share a box of krispy kremes with your dad this week, and give Milwaukee a professional ballplayer they can be proud of.  Milwaukee may have been home to Menominee, Fox, Mascouten, Sauk, Potawatomi, Ojibwe, and Ho-Chunk Indians, but let’s not add the Fielder tribe to that list with any repeat attempts at…

Chief of the Week.

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