Posted By: Doc Holliday at 11:16 pm
Eww. I really thought I’d be able to hold off a bit longer before calling any all-stars out of the bullpen, but here I am in installment #6 and Hollywood has left me no choice. Paris Hilton’s daily existence is the paradigm of chiefdom, so essentially she’s always good for a substitution whenever the rest of America has a quiet week. So in light of that fact, let’s spend a little quality time with this week’s runner-up…Paris will get her moment after the jump.
Shia LaBeouf. To be honest, I don’t mind him at all, even if he’s a bit of freak (we all remember that interview from a few months back where hesaid he wanted to bang his mom). Typical stuff in Tinseltown I guess. This week, the boy just showed up at some random charity event (for motorcycle doctors?) and tossed a quick 10k check and some free publicity onto the table. Again, good guy. A recent interview for Playboy magazine has him stating, “I’m not extremely well-endowed” – and yes, he’s referring to his penis. Modesty. But then I find out his rabid fans have instituted a new religion in his honor – Shiantology. And yes, they have photoshopped pictures of Shiasus Christ. I’m in psychoville, and Finkle’s the mayor. But I just couldn’t stick him with the chief label, it’s not like he put his fans up to this absurdity. Can’t go against the definition of a chief just because Shia’s an easy target. So we’ll only give him a slap on the wrist this week, just to keep his feet on the ground a bit longer. And here. we. go.
Stellar acting. I never knew Shia was such a Debbie Downer. I also never knew Debbie Downer was an awesome SNL character from earlier in the decade:
But let’s move on to this week’s champ, shall we? Enough bullshit.
Paris was chatting with Extra at the premiere of her new documentary “Paris, Not France” where she claimed that Michael Jackson’s only daughter was named after her:
“My mom and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13,” Hilton elaborates. “So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me. So he asked my mom if it was okay and of course she said yes and I think she’s such a beautiful little girl and I’m proud we have the same name.”
I’m sorry, but didn’t Michael and Debbie say that they named their daughter Paris because she was conceived in Paris? And chums in high school? Really? Yeah, I’m sure Mike had a lot of time for high school and best friends in between little league, hopskotch, and international superstardom. Paris also opens up about her sex tape in her documentary, stating:
“By putting it in the film, it was really hard for me to have it in there, because it’s something I never discussed. But I also think it’s a big learning lesson, because I think a lot of girls, when they’re in a relationship, they will love someone and trust them and maybe let them do that. I know that’s happened to a lot of people. And you never know what they could do with it. Obviously I was humiliated, embarrassed and in shock that it happened.” She goes on, saying, “It wasn’t my fault, it was something that someone did to me, so I’ve just learned to be a strong woman and nothing can hurt me at this point.”
Puhleeeassse. You owe you’re entire status as a celebrity to that sex tape. Everyone knows the best way to jump up a few notches on the socialite ladder is by “leaking” a sex tape. You know it, Erin Andrews knows it, and this guy knows it (3:20). You really learned a lot from your “embarrassing” experience, I mean, not like there’s 100 other recent shots of you getting shitfaced and naked in front of a camera. Paris, No Chance.
Now, I know some of you are thinking: say what you want, Doc, you’d still fuck her. But I thought about that, and there’s no way in Zeus’s butthole I’d stick my dick in her. That’s like Winnie Scott reaching her hand into the bug tunnel in Temple of Doom. I think I’ll spare my boy the torment. He’d go in clean, but he’d come out with the Hilton, Ronaldo, Saloman, Latsis, Stavros, Madden, Reinhardt, Henderson, Barker, Leto, Clooney, and Blunt andromeda strains fighting for real estate. So, I’ll leave it to you, Boozehounds. Do you have the rocky mountain oysters to stick it in…
The Chief of the Week?
Editor in Chief - The Booze
Editor - Alfred Kehollick
Editor - Doc Holliday
Editor - Vodka Tonic
Editor - Thurgood Jenkins
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