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Church of England: “Special Treatment for Bald and Fat, Wine for Alcoholics”

In: News

Posted By: The Booze at 12:13 pm

27 Jul 2009

A Church of England book published this week says the bald and overweight communities should be regarded as worshippers with “special needs” alongside the blind, the deaf, breast-feeding mothers, very short people and readers of tabloid newspapers.

The book warns that bald people could be “in trouble from those overhead radiant heaters some churches have unwittingly installed” and that special arrangements may need to be made for people who are overweight.

“Some pew spaces and chairs are embarrassingly inadequate for what is known in church circles as ‘the wider community’,” the book says.

Consideration should be given to recovering alcoholics who want to receive communion wine, it suggests, and for those who “find loud noises from organs or music groups distressing”.

Well it seems the Church of England is pulling out all the stops here to boost their attendance. If fat people are promised a seat and alcoholics promised a drink, it’s hard to believe they won’t show.

I guess if they want the rest of us to show up, they should consider an open bar and a bikini-clad choir.

On another note, I doubt there are any church circles that refer to fat people as “the wider community.” It is probably more along the lines of…

“Blimey! Did ya see that there tubby tryna git in that pew? What a bloody wanker! I reckon that girl he brings aint the sharpest knife in the drawer…Anyway, when’s this damn communion? I could use a drink for heaven sakes.”

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