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Chief of the Week: Joe Jackson

In: Chief of the week

Posted By: Doc Holliday at 12:11 pm

20 Jul 2009


You know, sometimes the gods smile upon you, my friends.  I spent last week patiently waiting for a new chief to step up to the plate and knock one out of the park, but there were no indians to be found.  I was tempted to hand the headdress to some random dickhead that got added to my golf foursome Saturday morning.  He struts toward the first teebox, glances back at us over his shoulder, and honestly says, “I hit from the blue tees, I don’t care what you guys do.”  Alright, pal – you go hit from those blue tees with your Big Bertha woods and impossible ego.  I guess I’ll be way up front hitting 50-yd worm-burners from the reds with my skirt down around my ankles.  Please.  Guy ended up shooting an 89 – with gloves on both hands, complimentary golf lessons after all our shots, and self-administered gimmes from 6+ feet.  He’s lucky the Boozeworthy gods delivered a worthier chief to my doorstep with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th.  This week’s much-coveted award goes to…Joseph Walter Jackson.

By now, we’ve all heard about Joe’s shameless self-promotion of his new record label a couple of weeks ago at his own son’s funeral.  That little incident brought him back into the critical eye of American media, and consequently everyone was reminded of the rampant physical abuse he used to serve up to his children every morning with corn pops and OJ.  I took a moment and looked up what he actually put his kids through while they were growing up:

(Wikipedia) Michael Jackson claimed that from a young age he was physically and emotionally abused by his father, enduring incessant rehearsals, whippings and name-calling … In one altercation, Joseph held Michael upside down by one leg and pummeled him over and over again with his hand, hitting him on his back and buttocks.  It was alleged that Joseph would also trip up or push his male children into walls.  One such claim was that one night while Michael was asleep, Joseph climbed into his room through the bedroom window.  Wearing a fright mask, he entered the room screaming and shouting.  Joseph said he wanted to teach his children not to leave the window open when they went to sleep. For years afterward, Michael suffered nightmares about being kidnapped from his bedroom.

Good move, Joe.  Your family sure matured into a gleaming paradigm of the American domestic household.  Believe it or not, a new report popped up over the weekend that makes the wikipedia article look like a pillow fight…

 (wwtdd)  A source stated: “Joe hit Michael in the groin area on a few occasions.  The first time it happened was when Michael was a kid and Joe was beating him up.  He wailed on him, accidentally hitting him in the testicles.  When Michael got older, Joe did it again.  But this time, he kicked him in the testicles – calling him a sissy who didn’t need his testicles anyway.  Michael said his testicles were forever deformed from that beating, and he believed that’s why he couldn’t have children of his own.”

This is how I envision a hypothetical therapy session between Michael Jackson and Sean Maguire:

Michael: My dad used to lay out a belt, a stick, and a nutpunt on the table and make me choose.
Sean: Oh, I’d have to go with the belt…
Michael: Nah, I always picked the nutpunt.
Sean: The nutpunt? Why?
Michael: Because fuck him, that’s why.

Sean stands up repeating “It’s not your fault, Michael.  It’s not your fault.”  The two share a teary-eyed and emotional embrace…then MJ giggles and tries to tickle Robin Williams’ asshole.

Well, Joe, congrats on winning this week’s title.  Unfortunately, it may come at a price.  Janet may never let you near the grandkids again once she finds out exactly why you’ve earned the distinguished honor of…

The Chief of the Week.

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