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What Not To Say

In: Random

Posted By: Eddie Brewski at 10:21 pm

1 Jul 2009


Scenario: You’re working at the office breaking your ass for shitty pay like usual when all of a sudden your boss comes barging in. He starts yelling shit down the hall and this-and-that until he reaches your desk. He yells at you about the important files you haven’t completed and asks where they are. He then knocks down a coffee on your desk and demands for an answer.


What not to say
1) Fuck you, and clean up my coffee you fat fuck.
2) We have files?
3) That coffee you knocked down was from Starbucks. I think it was mocha flavored.
4) Today’s Friday right? Pay me, and i’m out bitch.

What to say
Well, right now your pretty much fucked. So the best thing to do is blame it on someone else or improvise.


1) Holy shit, I gave those files to Jeff 2 hours ago. What an irresponsible asshole.
2) *Seizure*
3) I’m positive I sent them to you, there must be a problem with the network. I’ll get to it right away.
4) Don’t you remember? You told Jeff to finish those files and he’s been playing around all day like a bitch. Get em boss, get em!


5) Listen Boss, I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and I need some more time. My girlfriend, Karen, told me on Monday that she’s been banging our basset hound for months and they’re both leaving me. On top of that, my parents just passed away and left me their VHS collection. I figured I’d pop in an old home movie last night to help me forget about Karen…about 2 minutes in I realized I was staring at my parents 69ing in the bathtub. So between that fucking basset hound, that beastialistic bitch Karen, and the image of my Dad’s balls in my Mother’s mouth, I’M A LITTLE PREOCCUPIED! Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna drink the rest of this coffee off my desk and you’ll have those precious files by tomorrow.

If you execute any of these perfectly, then it’ll be a win every time.

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  • McLovin

    Dude, let me get that sex tape of your parents?? I'm sure you don't need it.

  • Chronic

    FYI Don't try this if you're boss is related to you in any way. It gets weird with the family tape. But other than that, it worked great!!!

    Thanks Eddie.

  • Sandrina

    I would sit, very,very still until he finished his tirade. I would then say, ” Are you talking about those McLean files?” “Wow, don't you remember I left those on your desk last Friday afternoon?” I've done it, and it works well.

    Why do you feel the need to be rude with your lack of vocabulary? The images you evoke are disgusting and vile. Get a thesaurus.

  • Calvin Hobbes

    Sandrina, you're a slutbag

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