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Chief of the Week: Michael Bay

In: Chief of the week

Posted By: Doc Holliday at 11:30 pm

30 Jun 2009

ap_mike_tyson420x300

That’s right Michael, clips don’t blow people away, you do.

The asshole pictured above was chirping all month about how his Transformers movie wasn’t getting enough of an advertising push from Paramount studios.  Apparently, his movies are supposed to be “EVENTS” and not merely “sequels,” and studios should obey his marketing demands accordingly.  He also bitched, “At this time last year, we had a 30-minute MTV event around the Video Awards, now we have our two leads just announcing an award – they want me to play a small clip.  I consider this so lame.  Clips don’t blow people away!” Shut the fuck up, Bay.  I can’t go five minutes online without seeing Optimus Prime fondling Shia LaBeouf in some advertisement.  Not to mention the daily publicity generated by the mere presence of my Megan Fox at every Transformers-related event.  Your cgi-drunken shitshow of a movie made $201.2 domestically ($162m abroad) in five days – second only to the Dark Knight on opening weekend.  Guess your little clips and previews did the trick – if you had shown any more footage from the movie, more people might have decided to watch The Proposal this weekend instead.  You make Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds look like Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable.  Clearly, the only reason you spoke up was so people would look at you a couple more times before you made them suffer through 2 and a half hours of invisible storyline, corny jokes, and physics-defying, light-as-a-feather, 20-ton robots floating around the screen.  You:

I caught the movie late last night because I thought the first one was somewhat entertaining – eye candy with a stupid yet simple storyline.  I also try not to listen to any reviews or opinions of films before I see them…so I really had no idea what I was in for.  Rather than writing up a scathing review, I’ll direct you to Roger Ebert’s (he gets funnier the older he gets).  The movie earned a 20% approval rating and a 3.9/10 average score on Rotten Tomatoes and a 40/100 score on Metacritic.  Movies that have scored as embarrasingly low on said sites include Miss Congeniality 2, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, and The Postman.  A movie that scores so low yet earns so much money makes for a discrepancy wider than emo-Spiderman’s asshole.  Michael Bay also recently discussed his profound impact on American cinema.  Megan Fox had criticized him for being special-effects-driven and not focusing on acting at all.  He responded:

“Well, that’s Megan Fox for you. She says some very ridiculous things because she’s 23 years old and she still has a lot of growing to do.  You roll your eyes when you see statements like that and think, ‘Okay Megan, you can do whatever you want. I got it.’ But I 100% disagree with her.  Nic Cage wasn’t a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in Armageddon.  Shia LaBeouf wasn’t a big movie star before he did Transformers – and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from Bad Boys. Nobody in the world knew about Megan Fox until I found her and put her in Transformers. I like to think that I’ve had some luck in building actors’ careers with my films.”

Don’t you dare talk about my Megan that way, Bay.  Oh, and Nic Cage and Ben Affleck were unknown actors before you “discovered” them?  Really? They hadn’t both already won Academy Awards when you came a-knockin’?  The most ridiculous parts of the movie (believe you me, this was hard to choose) are probably the same parts everyone else is talking about – a pair of giant wrecking “balls” for one of the robots and two knucklehead African-American decepticons named Mudflap and Skids.  Chief Bay exhausted every possible racial stereotype imaginable with the two digital monsters, including but not limited to ridiculous jive-talk drivel and a gold front tooth for Mudflap.  The two bigotrons (see what I did there?) lasted longer than the first film’s black robot Jazz, but I would’ve rather seen these two blown to bits in a massive Michael Gay fireball within the first five minutes they appeared.  Little known fact: Bay actually got Chris Brown to voice Mudflap.  Not to spoil the movie or anything, but about halfway through, the giant robot beats the shit out of Megan Fox, turns into a jetski, and cruises around Miami with P. Diddy for the weekend.

Chris Brown Jetski

So that wraps up this week’s installment.  Kudos to Mr. Bay.  I would love to take a massive shit, put it in a box with buttered popcorn and coke, and pocket a few million someday.  But for now the Doc’s happy making others’ dreams come true.  $200 bill looks like Rubina Ali’s bank account once you’ve been bestowed the honor of…

The Chief of the Week.

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