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Chief of the Week: Shaquille O’Neal

In: Chief of the week

Posted By: Doc Holliday at 9:20 am

25 Jun 2009


Chief {cheef}: n. a self-proclaimed big man on campus who purposely calls attention to himself; v. to be a douchebag without realizing it (ex. – Q: Why does Spencer Pratt think he can charge clubs $100k in exchange for his attendance? A: Because he’s a fucking chief.)

Let’s get started with a stroll down memory lane, shall we? Put your boots on, Ted, because we’ll be digging through some serious shit here.  Gonna feel like Ellie Sattler…

Shaq Diesel, Shaq Fu Da Return, You Can’t Stop the Reign, Respect.  With basketball-themed classics like Shoot Pass Slam, Game Over, I Know I Got (Skillz), Strait Playin, and 48 @ Buzzer, Blaq Supaman’s rap career makes Bronson Arroyo’s CD look like an Eddie Vedder album.
Shaq Fu (the videogame): Jesus.
Kazaam: – Being a lone young boy in the hood is dangerous and unpleasant. This is what Max experiences when he fools a gang of local toughs who cornered him at school. He tries to escape by slipping into the open door of an old warehouse, but they follow him there, too. While running from them through aisles filled with all kinds of stuff, he bumps into an old boom box. By doing that, he manages to release Kazaam, a genie who has been held captive for thousands of years. In order to stay free, Kazaam must give Max three wishes. I didn’t know they were sticking 7-foot genies into boomboxes thousands of years ago.
Steel: – John Henry Irons, creates an alter ego, a super-hero known as Steel, to combat an evil street gang. In order to do so, he uses the resources that are available to him to forge himself a suit of armor and the weaponry necessary to carry out his war on crime. Real clever name for the title character. The sad part about it is that Steel is kinda similar to Iron Man except Steel might actually have the more believable plot.
Making up his own nicknames: the Diesel, the Big Aristotle, the Big Daddy, Blaq Supaman, the Big Agave, the Big Shaqtus, the Big Galactus, Dr. Shaq, the Big Baryshnikov, the Real Deal, Shaqovic. Ridiculous. Also ridiculous and entirely true – he tried to convince the producers of X-Men 2 to let him be in the movie as a mutant but was completely ignored by the filmmakers. Coming Soon – X-Men Origins: Anna Shaquin.

Ok, I get it. We’re supposed to take some of that with a grain of salt. We should realize Shaq loves being in the spotlight and has a goofy sense of humor.  He likes rapping, dancing, acting, and fighting – whatever. But I call bullshit.  Somehow he’s managed to come across as more of a chief in the past month than he has in recent years. First, we have his retarded commercial with Ben Stein all over tv and radio.  “And I know something about being the best.” If you’re going to use humor to sell a product, which I’m all for, then don’t make me want to throw a shoe at the tv screen. Then there’s this little gem from a Men’s Journal article:

Question: What would you do with a time machine?
Shaqovic: Go to the cloning era, clone myself 20 times, and put myself in America as 20 different people. One Shaq would be a banker. One Shaq would be a sheriff. One Shaq would be a race car driver. One Shaq would be a prince. One Shaq would be Spanish. We’d all be here at the same time, and every once in a while I’d meet myself.

As long as no Shaq clone raps, acts, or reproduces, we might be able to dodge a dangerous bullet there.  Finally, we have Shaq’s recent video where he half-jokes/half-talks shit to MMA giant Hong Man Choi (here).  If you’re trying to make a joke, and no one thinks it’s funny, then it’s not a joke, and you’re a retard.  If you fight like you breakdance, Shaq, then I’m taking Choi in the first.

Congrats Shaqtus, you did it.  Even after two decades of irritating antics, the Doc still gave you the benefit of the doubt because you could play ball and you were good on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but you can’t keep your mouth shut.  When you pop up on tv more often than Peyton Manning, you thoroughly deserve the distinguished honor of:

Chief of the Week.

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