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Doling Out Advice (DOA)

In: DOA

Posted By: The Booze at 9:15 am

10 Apr 2009

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Dear Booze,

I am having some problems with my internet lately and I don’t know why.  Just 2 weeks ago everything was great.  We did everything together: there was laughter, music, alone time, and social networking. Then one day, things slowed down without warning.  Sometimes we have no connection at all.  I feel empty inside and I don’t know how to fix this void in my life.  Do you have any advice for me?

- Mike, Shrewsbury, MA

 

Well Mike, I understand your pain. I once went through a rough patch with my internet as well. These things happen. It’s a part of life that we all eventually pull through. Many men consider the internet to be an enigma, something fickle from another planet, maybe Venus. We all struggle to keep things stable. Just when we think things are going well, we do something to fuck it up. I found the best way to right the ship is to send a letter to your internet that shows you really care. Feel free to use the example below…

 

Dearest Internet,

I feel as though we have been disconnected. I’ve been trying to fix things for a while now, but it’s like there’s a fire wall between us. I apologize for being selfish, but it is every man’s dream to be master of his own domain. I have realized that my life should not revolve around porn and fantasy sports, but I feel they keep our relationship healthy. At your request, I haven’t hung out with my friend Kazaa in years, but unfortunately I found other ways to hurt you. At times I subconsciously push your buttons or take you places you don’t want to go. I apologize for giving you that virus, but my trojans were expired that fateful night. Paying for that spyware was wrong, I should have trusted you. I am sorry for throwing out the cookies you made…you haven’t given me any action in days. I cannot continue like this, I need you around. We need an open source of communication. I love you internet, please come back!

Affectionately yours,
Mike

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  • Trevor Mason

    good shit booze

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